I still don't have a neat synopsis to my novel.

I mostly direct people to the pinterest board I made for it, and tell them all those things have something to do with it.

I knew the first time I heard Dirks Bentley's I hold on, that was her husband. Holding on to the past, his roots, his old truck and guitar, his family's name and his new family.

I don't have a song that jumps out at me as Addie. Right now I say it is Automatic by Maranda Lambert because I think there were certain things she saw growing up in a small town that she thought she wanted/needed/ deserved and/or was destined for. And I think a lot of struggle is being happy with what she has. And I think a lot of Her husband's struggle is having nothing and being happier than she is. I read last night that a main character needs to be brave, thoughtful, ect. All these bs traits that make them likeable. And right now even though I like Addie, she's not very likeable. Her husband is a hell of a lot more likeable than she is. Which is funny because since Addie is the narrator she spends a lot of time talking about him and I questioned last summer if this story is really about her or if it's about him.

But tonight I think the whole not wanting to go back issue she has coinsides with a song and a group I forgot about until today when I was looking at Amy Grant's wiki. ( She married vince gill who according to her wiki was married to Janis from Sweethearts of the Rodeo.)

I need to spend some time getting to the core of what this novel is about. Famous living dead was so easy. I had that person find Jenny's blog by searching " how to love someone famous" which was so meta.

BPAL order.

I recently received my first Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab order. I ordered 6 Imp's ears. (4 dollars a piece or 6 for 22.)

 apple, rose, and lemon.

I thought this was going to be a sweet wearable fragrance and it isn't. I think it's the rose the ruins it for me. It has a weird almost urine smell. And i can pick out the rose and the lemon in it, but it isn't pleasing. 

The scent of absinthe, lightning, stormclouds, and laudanum crashing through a veil of soft Victorian oriental perfume.

I had to give this one some time. Initially I thought I didn't like th smell of Absinthe. But it wore down to a gentle sweet perfume scent ( I can only assume the soft Victorian oriental perfume)

A rugged, warm blend of vanilla, balsam and sassafras layered over Virginia cedar.

I need to give this one some more wear. 

 A swirl of pipe tobacco, hot leather, ambergris, dark musk and the lingering incense smoke from their Black Mass.

 The innocence of orange blossom tainted by the beguiling scents of ginger and patchouli
Weaerable. Very thick. I'm not sure how much of  vixen I feel like wearing it though. More head shop hippie. I do tend to wear this one and tavern of Hell over the others. 

White gardenia, ambergris bouquet, lavender fougere, orange blossom, melissa, tobacco flower, coriander, ebony wood, ylang ylang, absinthe and aged whiskey.
This is my favorite. I might buy a big bottle. I know it has Absinthe in it too, but I don't even know what else is in Mary Shelley. I think it's the most wearable and I have even dabbed it on clothes and put them in the dryer. I'm buying a full size in my next order. 

And because they are known to throw a couple emp's in for you, I also got these: 

Frankincense, rosemary, lavender, neroli, and verbena.

This is one I'd infuse as a room smell over wearing. it has a very clean plant like smell. In fact I think it reminds me of some oil I once bought that came with a clay defuser.. 

sage, carnation and cedar with lavender, vanilla, white musk and leather.

Obviously a very manly scent. When I put it on I just smelt wood and leather and almost a faint burnt scent like fireplace smoke. 

All images and descriptions are via black phoenix alchemy's website.

Had this in my head tonight.

Introverts do not unite.

For as long as I can remember my perfect day is padding around the house in my pajamas, drinking coffee, reading, taking a hot bath ( or cold in the summer), making art or writing and busying myself on the interwebs.

Today I took a mental health day. yes on the Monday after I had a 3 day weekend. Friday my best friend got not only a new bed but a new bed and new couches... I was out most of the day and ended up spending the night at her house. Saturday I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I had to go back to her house after babysitting my niece and get the couch she gave me. (Also I had read though my novel and I wanted to work on it so I wanted to stay home Saturday night.)

 Yesterday I resisted her invites to come see her new living room in all it's glory till about 8 pm and after I'd worked up the nerve to go to the grocery store. ( I hate shopping. I will put off going to the store till I am totally out of food and/or coffee and creamer.) 

So I spent the night at her house again. All this dust and animal hair from moving furniture gives me asthma, I can hear myself breath when I try to sleep. 

So I didn't wake up till 930 and she soon came home from school sick. ( Yes my best friend is an adult she's going to medical school.) 

We went to the store to finish my shopping. ( I had just gone to a specialty store last night.) and I went home. 

I am an introvert and I will tell anyone that. I will tell them that if I don't get at least one day to myself during the weekend I am worn out and stressed. It makes things hard with dating, because I want to be alone. When I was younger I would tell people that my ideal husband is one that isn't always home, be it truck driver or Rodeo cowboy, Pilot or member of traveling show. I was told that I apparently didn't want a husband. For some people loving someone means you want them there every waking moment. For me I like the idea, but I don't need the constant contact. I'm not lonely, I want to be alone. Typing in introvert on pinterest brought me these, and all of them are as if they were written just for me: 

Today a gentleman caller tried to " coax me out of my hobbit hole" as he put it. He wanted to go on a date. I said no, not without advanced notice and not on my mental health day. I stayed home today to stay home, not hang out with you. Sorry, if you don't understand then you're not the right guy for me anyways. 

I lit some incense, made coffee and worked on my novel. It was a perfect afternoon. So perfect I might do it again tomorrow. 

Metal Cock Salmon.

I tell people I don't have a zodiac sign. I was a preemie And was born two signs early. I am not my birth sign and people have told me they thought I was the later sign.

And as for the Chinese zodiac I'm a Metal Cock. We're selfish and eccentric. As a millennial and the youngest that is very true.

The other day I was informed of my Celtic Zodiac Animal Sign:

Fish/Salmon August 5 - September 1 Salmon signs dive deep in their inner waters for inspiration, bright visions and dreamy perspective. They are naturally intuitive but they don't make a big deal out of it. These people have a unique view of the world which makes them some of the community's best artists, poets and visionaries. Some times they dive way too deep for the rest of us, and some just can't follow where they swim. But that's okay, the fish sign needs that kind of depth, isolation and introspection because when they come back up for air, the world is awed by their brilliance and insight.

BAM. Reclusive writer! It's beyond you and me kids. 

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

Initially I was terrified of the Swedish metal band Ghost.

I was raised Catholic, thus instilled with the fear of the power of the higher power. I once opened the doors to St. Patrick's in Bisbee and when I saw the empty deathly quite church and life sized "Like a Prayer" statues, I said "oh hell no" and closed the door. San Xavier is even more terrifying, but I always said my dream wedding would be there at night with candles

I digress...but on the same note I was raised with the 1980s Satanic scare and heavy metal. Lots and lots of heavy metal. Shout at the Devil, 666 Number of the Beast. Upside down crosses and backwards messages. I think what really gets me with all of this is that,  I'm really freaked out by masks. 

My first experience with Ghost was in the summer of 2012. I was working nights at the time, and it was after midnight. I was watching this video: 

The wind began to howl and I became totally up in arms. Probably slept with the lights on if I went to bed. The next day I tried to watch it again and once again the wind kicked up. My friend Dustin had to have me listen to the music disembodied from the imagery to see how corny it was. 

Still totally scared of Papa, I was convinced I'd awaken to his procession coming down my hall and standing over me while I slept.

Mildly accurate media shot of how I expected things to go down. 

 So much so I had this dream: 

(Ok, I worked at a venue for 3 years in a little something called "artist relations". That pretty much means I baby sat guests. Set up dressing rooms and the green room according to their rider, drove famous people around. Was hired out as a "runner" for big named acts and all in all was awesome. Hung out with the roadies, realized I loved bus drivers because they had the most gossip, and ran around on an empty stage after midnight.) 

So in my dream the singer, whom I now refer to as Toby and I had met and worked together when he was unmasked. I don't know if I told him I was scared of their act or what, but in the dream  I was in the green room and he came in dressed as Papa, ready to take the stage. He tried to console me and tell me he's still ________. The same guy I had laughs with earlier while I bought things for him or drove him somewhere or whatever it is we did. But I was having none of it Tobias Forge. We ended up outside the green room by the bathrooms my back against the off white brick wall and him still trying to sooth me all the while wearing a satanic pope get up, plastic mask and colored contacts. When he got close to me I super human dream jump kicked and kicked him in the chest causing him to grunt and topple back. I then ran all the way thought the back back stage maize and to the side doors on the other side of the stage's wing. When I pushed them open to great relief it was night and the area often littered with roadies and  union stage hands out on their smoke break was empty. No yellow shirted meat head security guards trying to impress me with shows they'd worked, nothing, it was empty. The lot where the buses pull in was empty as well. Just me and the asphalt, the yellow glow of the street lamps and an empty parking lot. 

Now Tobias is a petite man, and people who have met them say his mask is rubber (I'd guess latex) and he can't close his mouth all the way.(Sorta like Kristen Stewart) He's nothing to be scared of, it's more corny than scary. I'm coming around on the matter. What I find interesting is after finding this forum and being linked to this article, one of the posts says that Toby is both the nameless ghoul and the old man in this video:

While I have also read that the old man is an actor whom Toby's mask is molded after. But some say it's just him in a very expensive mask, and with a nose like his it's hard to hide.  I say it isn't him just because the bald headed man seems a lot taller.(On further review I think it is Toby, his hands are so soft and smooth that has to be a much younger man, but the ghoul has the same hands... oh my...) He is also in this video:

Which is the censored version. I can't seem to find an uncensored clip of the end.(Does it exist? Only in Europe?) But I do like what this Ghoul ( Also Toby? Always Toby?) said about how once you show you're cock what else is there to see? To me that says why do you care what  our/his face looks like you've seen his junk. 

Since the Papaganda videos are produced and thought to be done by actors, and some people say no no it's all Toby. In Sweden they speak American English. So is this Toby too? Because the first time I heard a nameless ghoul interview I too thought he spoke like an American. 

I now think that even though they played Cochella ( bleh) and that pretty much means they sold out, that the whole idea is pretty bad ass. The fact that Dave Grohl has worn the cloak and played drums for them and that anyone famous could sub in without much notice. I also like that there will be multiple reincarnations of Papa. Does the hint that the next one will be younger mean that Toby will get to look more like himself? 

They came here last Spring/Summer and played the tiny Rialto Theater. I have friends who got magnificent shots of them live, and I'm sad I didn't go. 

I'm going to end this with some images of note: 

Creeper pic that is said to be Toby at the airport in Vegas talking to a dude in a Ghost shirt....

Cloaks ready to go

Masks ready to go

Seriously, I was scared of Scooby Doo when I was her age... 

Children who will need therapy.

For the past few days I've had "hotter than a fever" in what I thought was Loretta Lynn's voice running though my head. So tonight I google it, and low and behold it's from Jackson. I watch this video:

And then toggled over to Facebook where this was at the top of my feed:

1967, Johnny Cash and June Carter record "Jackson" in Nashville.


Newly single and not sure which way to turn. Won't go into details, but sorta eh about it. I'm glade I ended it when I did. I'm tired of cleaning up other women's messes. I didn't do these things to you, there is no reason why I don't deserve all of your love just because you're jaded over the past. I might end up dating a 22 year old just to get away from all these jaded men my age.  I know what I want, but it's such an odd combination I don't know if I'll ever find it. 
I like country boys, but I'm VERY liberal.  And I have come across very few country boys ( either small town or cowboy) that hasn't said something to offend me. 
I am very attracted to a kind heart that would do anything for people at the drop of the hat. That is a quality I try to posses and that I instilled in the male lead in my novel. I also like men who can fix things, because I never grew up with a man who could. 

I'm also not really into being a step mom, which is rare at my age, especially for a good country boy. 

So I guess I will just have to see what pans out.